In A World Without Women, Civilization Would Rapidly Collapse Into A Game Of “Name That Random 90s Athlete”

CAMBRIDGE –

After parsing through hypothetical scenarios involving women going extinct and/or finally having enough of men’s crap and leaving for Mars, researchers at Harvard have come up with a remarkable discovery.

“Every model points to the same thing”, said team lead Jana McFastball, 39, “Within minutes, some guy will mention a totally random running back who blew out his knee in 1994, and everyone will join him in gleeful, delirious laughter.”

The findings, while surprising to some, were expected by others.

“Well, yeah”, said researcher Zack Notmorris, 43, “My buddies and I were damn near on the floor yesterday when someone mentioned Bimbo Coles. Remember that guy? Then I said, ‘I see your Bimbo Coles and raise you a Popeye Jones.’ It went on for hours until my wife made me come home.”

At press time, the team was conducting a follow-up study to see if random mentions of Andrés Galarraga and Mark Lemke could somehow help men evolve a gene for multitasking.