Local Man Opens Email That Hopes It Finds Him Well, Leading To Existential Crisis

INDIANAPOLIS –

After checking a cold pitch email that claimed they were just following up for the 18th time, local man Mike Wellton, 34, encountered a line that changed his life forever.

“This guy says he hopes this email finds me well”, said Wellton, in a nearly catatonic state of introspection, “Then I got to thinking…damn…am I well? I mean, are any of us?”

Wellton, unexpectedly triggered to examine every aspect of his life by an abjectly terrible sales pitch, was lost as to where to go from here.

“What does ‘well’ even mean?”, pondered Wellton, in the midst of a dissertation he was writing back to the possibly non-human source of this sales pitch, “You tell me, man. You seem to have it all figured out.”

At press time, other sales bots were learning from this round of engagement, recrafting their pitches to tell prospects they hope this email finds them in a hot tub full of supermodels.