Julio Teheran Tired Of Being Blamed For Troubles In The Middle East

MILWAUKEE –

After the latest accusation that he “launched the region into war”, major league pitcher Julio Teheran has taken to the record to clear his good name.

“All I hear is, ‘All roads lead to Tehran’, ‘Tehran supports Hamas’, ‘Tehran backs the Houthis’…this is crazy”, said an incredulous Tehran, “I’m not starting no war, man. I spend the winter working on my slider.”

Teheran, accused of fomenting regional instability by everyone from the U.S. to Saudi Arabia to the Cincinnati Reds, is considering legal action after this slander has cost him financially.

“The Yankees want to offer me a 3-year guaranteed contract”, said the two-time all-star, “But then they back out because they worry about me sending weapons to a Shiite proxy militia in the Bronx. Gurrupletas…”

At press time, Teheran found his offseason contract negotiations interrupted by protestors shouting, “Woman, life, freedom”.