Local Chiropractor Grateful For Destroyed Necks Of Gen X Metalheads


With a thriving clinic serving predominantly men between the ages of 45-55, local chiropractor Dr. Jack Crackurback, 38, has found himself swimming in gratitude for the music and motions that brought this successful business to life.

“These idiots spent years violently bobbing their heads up and down to metal bands”, said Crackurback, “So of course their cervical spines are shot. But I’m certainly not complaining. Cha-ching, baby. Daddy wants a new boat.”

Patients of Crackurback, having racked up hefty bills to loosen up their utterly eviscerated trapezius muscles, are beginning to openly question the decisions of their youth.

“Was headbanging and violently moshing to Megadeth a better life choice than sipping on a latte and listening to Dave Matthews?”, pondered a reflective Kyle McHairline, 47, “Hell yeah it was. What kinda stupid question is that?”

At press time, the Gen X patients of Crackurback have filed a class-action suit against Metallica, claiming “Enter Sandman” made them do it.

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