Man Ignites Terror At Holistic Wellness Conference By Showing Up With Bottle Of Wine

SANTA CRUZ –

Looking to create a bit of excitement and troll people for literally no reason whatsoever, Ken Vinoton, 33, arrived at the New Horizons Wellness conference with contraband that sent attendees into a panic.

“CODE RED! I REPEAT, CODE RED!!”, shouted organizer Chrystal McYogapose, 43, into her walkie talkie, “We have an active Pinot situation! This is NOT a drill!”

Other attendees were equally thrown into an extreme stress response due to this act of sabotage.

“TAKE COVER!!”, screamed cannabis rep Ashlee Di Meditato, 30, “Even ONE DROP of alcohol is poison! Save yourselves!!”

At press time, local SWAT units had surrounded the conference on all sides, negotiating a weekend in Sonoma with Vinoton in exchange for giving them a sip of the 2018 vintage.