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Recently Deceased Man’s Life Review Oddly Stuck On 1994

PEARLY GATES –

After a sudden, unexpected passing, local man John Chokedonsteak, 43, found himself as a spirit reviewing his life. Unfortunately for John, the life review system was experiencing technical difficulties, leaving him watching himself in 1994 in perpetuity.

“What the hell?”, said the exasperated spirit of Chokedonsteak, watching his awkward, gawky 13-year-old self marvel at the low-speed O.J. Simpson freeway chase for the equivalent of 100,000 millennia, “These people can design a universe but can’t staff a tech support department?”

Chokedonsteak, who passed after, incredibly enough, choking on steak, was treated to an eternity of watching himself get rejected by Stacy from math class, take a tetherball to the face at summer camp and cry like a baby when the Knicks lost to the Rockets in the NBA finals.

“Yeah, this definitely wasn’t the high water mark”, groaned Chokedonsteak, “This stupid contraption couldn’t have glitched out during my 21st birthday in Vegas?”

At press time, it was revealed that Chokedonsteak’s long-deceased grandma Beth was responsible for orchestrating the glitch, presumably as payback for her grandson’s repeated references to her meatloaf surprise as “Dog food surprise.”

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