RUMI: The Entire Universe Is Inside You, And You Should Probably Address That If You Want To Fit Into Those Jeans Again

PERSIA –

Examining the wisdom of the 13th-century Sufi mystic, it’s become clear that his understanding of the universe corresponded deeply to his knowledge of contemporary fashion.

“The stars, the galaxies, the very building blocks of matter are all within you”, said Rumi, “So how the hell do you expect to zip up those jeans that fit you a decade ago if you’re carrying all that around? At least try to walk off the Andromeda Galaxy after dinner once or twice a week.”

Adherents of the mystic’s wisdom have taken his words to heart.

“He’s right, as always”, said Jenny Rumifan, 37, of Birmingham, “I’ve been waddling around with the entire quantum singularity all this time and blaming it on the cookies my sister bakes.”

At press time, Rumi also encouraged followers to cut down at least one dimension per serving so they can can get that summer bod in time for beach season.