Local Man Has Near-death Experience, Describes Feeling Of “The Most Conditional Love You Can Imagine”

OGDEN –

After briefly crossing over as a result of consuming a medium-rare burger at Applebees, local man John McEcoli, 34, came back with a stunning revelation.

“I was in God’s warm embrace, and it was a feeling unlike anything I can describe”, said McEcoli, while sourcing attorneys for his subsequent action against the Miller Road Applebees, “The feeling I remember most was love. Pure, conditional love. Like my first marriage.”

McEcoli, describing this love as one that bursts from the seams so long as he made six figures and kept a washboard stomach, couldn’t wait to spread the good news upon his return.

“You have nothing to fear! Nothing!”, said McEcoli, “It’s the most beautiful, welcoming feeling of being whole as long as your arrival doesn’t screw with Archangel Michael’s tee time.”

At press time, McEcoli was looking forward to taking his message to the masses, starting the Church of the Sacred Credit Score.