All 8 Billion Humans Awaken, Become Spiritual Coaches, Find Themselves Unemployed

SEDONA –

After the collective awakening long prophecized in the Vedic texts, Hermetic scrolls and that girl with the pentagram tattoo on Insta, humanity has suddenly found itself in a conundrum.

“All the truths of our reality just hit me, and I felt I needed to share them with the world!!”, declared recently-awakened Keisha McIncenseburn, 31, “But they all know the deal too. Now what? Rent’s due on the 1st.”

Other regular people-turned-healers found themselves in a similar bind.

“I’m so overcome with the bliss of our coming home to oneness, I can’t even describe it”, said another recently awakened traveler, Luis De La Crystalez, 27, “It feels like…completion, connection, and my water being shut off.”

At press time, all 8 billion awakened souls are making plans to pivot to the next stage of awakened living, getting their plumbers’ and electricians’ certifications.