Local Child Cures Cancer, Diagnosed With Learning Disability

DES PLAINES –

After discovering the advanced phage engineering formula to destroy cancer cells and end the single greatest health challenge of modern times, local first grader Aydyn McWandrington, 6, has been subsequently given a troubling assessment of his intelligence.

“He’s such a space cadet, that one”, said teacher Mrs. Obliviousecco, 61, “I asked why he wasn’t paying attention to my lesson on arithmatic, then he starts yammering about the immunogenic properties of M13 bacteriophages. Little moron.”

Other teachers were also concerned about McWandrington’s ability to process information and become a functioning member of society.

“He keeps this up, he’ll be stuck pumping gas his whole life…if he’s lucky”, said Assistant Principal Ms. Hatesthekids, 47, as McWandrington was busy formulating the effects of MS2 on cell viability, “They always stick the slow ones in my school.”

At press time, the faculty at Spewing Cedar Elementary was strongly considering holding back McWandrington for another year of first grade so he can academically catch up with his peers.