Authorities Continue Search For Sadist Who Invented “Use Two Fingers To Move The Map” Functionality

WASHINGTON –

Despite the best efforts of the FBI, CIA, Department of Homeland Security and International Brotherhood of Pipefitters, Local 12, the identity and whereabouts of the greatest villain to grace modern times remains a mystery.

“It’s well-known that a secure society functions on the premise that you move the map with one finger, like Google Maps and Weather maps”, said FBI Investigator Jack McHuntyadown, 44, “But two fingers? That can radicalize an entire generation.”

Others on the search were equally adamant about finding this individual.

“OBL, Noriega, Castro, you name it…they all taunted us for years, but at least they had manifestos”, said DHS analyst Cindy De La Deskjobo, 36, “Now…this guy? Some men just want to watch the world burn.”

At press time, it was rumored that the fugitive was also responsible for orchestrating the “don’t close this window while payment is processing” functionality as well.