Motivational Speaker Suggests Canceling Good Friday In Exchange For Excellent Friday


Upon seeing an audience filled with people ready to lean into mediocrity, laziness and a sufficient lack of grind by celebrating a Friday that was merely good, motivational speaker Blake McHustlebro, 46, had a suggestion for a new way forward.

“When the Romans marched Jesus to Calvary, did *they* say it was just ‘good’?”, asked McHustlebro to the silent gasps of a shocked and offended audience, “Heck no! They got up at 5 a.m. before all the other competing legions and got after it. To them, it was Excellent Friday.”

Attendees, while generally appalled by every component of the speech, were, however, given much to think about.

“I mean, you gotta put that work in, right?”, pondered Maura Risenton, 37, wondering how she could best emulate an Imperial Garrison while filing month-end expenses, “Ain’t no savior gonna stop my excel wizardry.”

At press time, McHustlebro recommended everyone in the audience take a page from the Easter Sunday playbook as well, by resurrecting their dreams and building a loyal customer base of 2 billion people.

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