Men Discover Alarming New Method Of Self-harm; Taking The Side Of Their Wife’s Work Enemy

BETHESDA –

The National Institutes of Health has recently released a troubling study, one that shines a spotlight on the deteriorating mental health situation amongst middle-aged men in particular.

“These findings are bone-chilling”, said Dr. Laurie Smartypants, 46, lead researcher, “Men who’ve decided the burden of life is too much to handle have chosen to tell their wives to calm down and see things from the other woman’s perspective. The mortality rate for these acts has reached 100% and we implore the White House to declare a public health emergency.”

Owing to the inefficacy of talk therapy and traditional anti-depressant medication, the men in this study were reportedly feeling trapped, and this drastic action was seen as their only way out.

“I wish he would have said something; I wish I knew how bad it was for him”, said widow Maria De La Strangolo, 36, during her arraignment, “I mean, I still would’ve killed him for telling me Susan actually wasn’t the bad guy…but I still wish I knew.”

At press time, husbands in the study were also considering additional actions of self-harm, including deleting Hallmark movies to clear up DVR space for World War 2 documentaries.