After New Study Shows Living As The #1 Cause Of Mortality, Health Coaches Urge “Zero Living” Lifestyle

VENTURA –

Citing new research that directly maps the act of living as a precursor to dying, health coaches the nation over have insisted their clients follow a strict lifestyle to avert the potentially dire consequences of existing.

“I mean, we all knew the harms of poisons like sugar, alcohol, gluten, dairy, meat, broccoli, water and air”, said nutritionist Marcus Nofunington, 34, “But it turns out even small doses of waking up in the morning puts you at a dramatically increased risk for not waking up again one day. This is the epidemic no one wants to talk about.”

Fitness enthusiasts have taken this message to heart and are adjusting their lifestyles accordingly.

“Wow, I thought that this was good for me, at least that’s what they told me growing up in the 80s”, said Kelly Del Stillhere, 43, referring to her light-to-moderate regimen of living as a non-deceased, animate human, “Looks like I’ve got some real choices to make. I need to be here for my kids, after all.”

At press time, health coaches were also drafting guidelines for souls on the other side, insisting they refrain from taking in too much divine light, lest it stress their adrenals.