All 8 Billion Humans Awaken, Become Spiritual Coaches, Find Themselves Unemployed


After the collective awakening long prophecized in the Vedic texts, Hermetic scrolls and that girl with the pentagram tattoo on Insta, humanity has suddenly found itself in a conundrum.

“All the truths of our reality just hit me, and I felt I needed to share them with the world!!”, declared recently-awakened Keisha McIncenseburn, 31, “But they all know the deal too. Now what? Rent’s due on the 1st.”

Other regular people-turned-healers found themselves in a similar bind.

“I’m so overcome with the bliss of our coming home to oneness, I can’t even describe it”, said another recently awakened traveler, Luis De La Crystalez, 27, “It feels like…completion, connection, and my water being shut off.”

At press time, all 8 billion awakened souls are making plans to pivot to the next stage of awakened living, getting their plumbers’ and electricians’ certifications.

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