Breaking: Florida State to Join NATO

TALLAHASSEE –

After suffering from the collusion of stronger regional powers, the Florida State Seminoles have decided to fight back by joining the world’s most powerful military alliance.

“We no longer had a choice”, said coach Mike Norvell, “The axis of evil of the CFP committee, ESPN and the SEC have overwhelmed our defenses. But this should give everyone around us pause. If we see even one Gator fan cross onto our campus, you can expect the 101st airborne in Gainesville by sundown.”

Regional neighbors, however, have responded with fury to the move.

“This is an unacceptable provocation”, said Alabama coach Nick Saban, “NATO promised us they wouldn’t recruit nose tackles in our backyard. Besides, the Florida panhandle is historically a part of Alabama anyway.”

At press time, Turkey was reportedly holding up the final details of the merger, insisting that Florida State hand over all Kurdish TA’s they’re “harboring” in the math department.