ELECTION ’24: Hotly Contested Deputy Sanitation Commissioner Race Sees Millions Raised By Both Candidates


With the eyes of the nation and the world squarely focused on the Deputy Sanitation Commissioner race of Howell County, MO, both campaigns have seen an unprecedented influx of funds.

“This is the most important Deputy Sanitation Commissioner race of our lifetimes”, read a fundraising email by ‘Friends of Tex Trashman’, a Super PAC formed to support Mr. Trashman’s candidacy, “IF WE DON’T SUCCEED, YOU WILL NEVER SEE A GARBAGE TRUCK ON YOUR STREET AGAIN.”

Rival fundraisers have also used similar tactics to bolster their already record-breaking fundraising efforts.

“Tex Trashman will end Democracy as we know it”, read an automated SMS message, “Are you willing to let your children live in a world where there’s no pickup on holidays?”

International observers have also weighed in on this contest and its global implications.

“The Kremlin is closely monitoring this race”, said European political analyst Camille De Talkingheado, 39, “They know Mr. Trashman has vowed to reclassify ‘Stand with Ukraine’ bumper stickers as recyclables and see him as an obstacle to their goals in the Donbas.”

At press time, both candidates were scheduled to appear at a debate hosted by the local airplane hanger, after the Church’s monthly offsite bingo night concludes.

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