Emergency Broadcast System To Be Streamed Exclusively On Peacock

NEW YORK –

With networks increasingly funneling viewers to the NBC steaming service in lieu of the free content us spoiled children have become accustomed to, the Federal Government has made the decision to follow suit.

“This is an exciting announcement”, said Federal Emergency Manager Tom Whatshethinking, 50, liberally using the word ‘exciting’ in the context of this announcement, “For only $5.99 per month, Americans can find out if they’re in a flood zone or about to be overrun by a division of Russian shock troops.”

Peacock, looking forward to exclusively streaming updates about tornado warnings, disease outbreaks and underwear sales at Macy’s, had a message for all future viewers.

“The basic subscription is great and will get you exclusive access to life-saving information”, said Peacock spokesperson Diana Outoftouch, 35, “But for only $11.99 a month, your subscriber plus membership will get you street-level information to determine how screwed you really are.”

At press time, Peacock was looking forward to running ads for their new Spring Emergency Broadcast calendar during the NFL playoffs, including Seasons 2 & 3 of, “All residents of Carson County are advised to shelter in place due to downed power lines.”