Gen X Parents Concerned As Teenagers Increasingly Embrace Sobriety, Abstinence, Good Judgement

WARREN –

Following a report about current teenagers eschewing drinking, underage pregnancy and other rites of passage that were the bedrocks of Generation X, parents have found themselves in a brewing crisis.

“I’m scared for them, I really am”, said Heather Allnamedheather, 47, of Troy, “My daughter wouldn’t even finish my bottle of Pinot when I left it right on the counter for her. Where’s she learning this? The schools??”

Other Gen X parents echoed their concerns that today’s children are being exposed to influences that could hinder their ability to one day become barely-functioning adults.

“My kid came home yesterday and was listening to some crap I couldn’t even make out”, said Matt Headbanger, 51, referencing the Tibetan meditation set to autotune his son was enjoying, “When I was his age, we had wholesome music about killing cops, turning tricks and gutting people with meat hooks. I wish he got to experience that.”

At press time, Generation X was hoping to restore the values of a better time by forcing their teenagers to watch a marathon of MTV’s “The Grind.”