Irish Woman Named Molly Reclassified As Schedule II Drug


After a long period of advocacy by mental health advocates, Molly, once a schedule I drug seen mostly at raves and Irish family reunions, has been reclassified by the FDA.

“This is big day for Molly enthusiasts everywhere”, said Dealer McGhee, 36, “To experience Molly is to know unconditional love and oneness for all of creation, as long as you pick up the check and don’t piss off her sister.”

The FDA, when reached for comment, was tepidly looking forward to next steps.

“To be clear, this does *not* mean the legalization of Molly and her stern talking-to’s about this and that”, said FDA regulator Mitch Del Ecstacio, 51, “But it does expand medicinal access for those whose current treatment regimens with other ball-busting Celtic women have failed.”

At press time, Molly was given access to cancer patients in terminal stages, preparing them to peacefully cross over while she reminded them of that Sean fella they should have married back in ’74.

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