Satan Dies, Spends Eternity Burning In Tik-Tok


After a long battle with a rare form of myocarcenoglioimmuneistoma, Satan, known colloquially as, “The Devil”, “El Diablo” and “I-95 in Virginia”, has been sentenced to an eternity of suffering in the lowest realm of all creation.

“I know I made some mistakes, but this seems a bit extreme”, said Satan, being dragged into the depths of a platform whose depravity knows no equal, “Please tell my Governor to ban this place so I can go home.”

Tik-Tok, chosen as the prison of the eternally damned due to its lionization of Osama Bin Laden, encouragement of teenage self-mutilation and dancing routines that compare unfavorably to wedding videos from the early 90s, has been an eye-opening experience for its newest resident.

“I thought my pad was rough”, said Satan, referencing the hellfire and ghoulish moans he’d long subjected his own guests to, “But no one deserves this. Not even stock brokers.”

At press time, Satan’s attorney was appealing the universal justice system for an early release, promising to only share content from cooking enthusiasts on Instagram moving forward.

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