Jesus Pressured Into Hiring Business Coach To 10x Second Coming

JERUSALEM –

After laying the groundwork for his return, including wars, plagues and the rebuilding of Temple Beth Bingonight in Lawrence, business coaches the world over insist that Jesus of Nazareth has it all wrong and need their help.

“Don’t get me wrong, he had a solid first crack during the beta launch”, said Eddie McHustleface, 48, referring to the franchise growth of Catholicism, Presbyterianism, Jews for Jesus and others, “But if he really wants to crush it, kill it, make it rain and leave it all on the field, he needs to be super aggressive, buddy. Just like in the Gospel of Paul. Or something.”

Other business coaches were equally insistent on the retention of their services by the son of man.

“If you want to crack that Mali market, I’m your guy. Time to turn the other cheek to McHustleface and all the other losers who don’t have private jets”, said Blake Cokedupatnoon, 38, “Let’s GOOOOOOO!!!!!”

At press time, Jesus, in response to these inquiries, was planning on turning their wine into water.