Local Woman Tries Plant Medicine; Ends Up With Jalapeño Burns


After hearing of the power of plant medicine to heal her treatment-resistant depression, local woman Jane McPepper, 53, decided to try the first plant medicine she could find.

“They didn’t tell me which kind of plants”, said McPepper, furiously dousing her hands and eyes with cold dairy to alleviate the pain, “So I just got a fistful of them jalapeños Billy’s been growing and went to town.”

Local plant medicine practitioners were surprised they weren’t consulted first.

“I met her for lunch yesterday and said I’d lead her on a guided journey”, said local shaman Mike De La Misticio, “If she wanted the jalapeños that badly, we could have had a quesadilla after her DMT date with the machine elves.”

At press time, McPepper had shrugged off this experience to bad luck, making plans to try the next plant medicine of her neighbors’ cacti.

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