Near-death Experiencer Describes Universe As Perfect Singularity Of Bliss And Love, Except For Steve From Linkedin


After a traumatic brain injury sent local man Matt Sawitall, 47, to the other side, he returned with a profound message about the nature of reality itself.

“It’s all one unified field of unconditional love, harmony and perfection”, said Sawitall, “Except for Steve from LinkedIn. Screw that guy.”

When pressed for further details, Sawitall described a flowing, majestic, energetic realm of expansion, and next to it, a follow-up message from Steve about executive coaching services.

“I saw everything…the divine thought that birthed our physical universe into existence, the many layers of transdimensional consciousness, and Steve’s latest comment about how this isn’t Facebook”, said Sawitall, “He’s the worst.”

When reached for comment, Steve was not surprised that Sawitall had this experience.

“Well, yeah”, said Steve, as insufferable as ever, “Of course I’m visible there. Persistence pays off. I told God I’d 10x his kingdom if he jumped on a 15-minute discovery call.”

At press time, Sawitall found himself with increased psychic and sensitive abilities following his journey to the other side, including the power to commune with the deceased, recognize complex patterns and sense when Steve is about to DM him with an ask to like and share his latest post.

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