NFL Owners Vote Unanimously To Ban Defense

ORLANDO –

During the latest round of rule changes that have seen bans on hip-swivel tackling and saying mean things to Quarterbacks, NFL owners have decided to take things one step further this offseason.

“This is an important step towards ensuring player safety”, said Commissioner Roger Goodell, confident that this move will convince people to attend Jaguars games for the first time in recorded history, “And once you remove those eleven men on the other side of the field, you’ll really our skill players shine.”

Players were generally supportive of this rule change as well.

“I could put up great numbers without having to worry about linebackers and safeties anymore”, said Philadelphia Eagles running back Saquan Barkley, “Maybe now they’ll pay me more than my cousin who runs the Mickey D’s in Hoboken.”

At press time, the NFL was also considering banning special teams, citing the risk of Buffalo Bills place kickers experiencing existential dread.