St. Patrick’s Day Celebrated As Holiday That Rescued Humanity From The Darkness Of Dry January

BOSTON –

Revelers the world over have gathered for another momentous St. Patrick’s Day celebration, one where the patron saint of Ireland saved a world lost in the hopeless morass of sanctimonious sobriety.

“Thank God for this day”, said Jenna Di Cirrhosito, 29, “I almost fell into the insufferable clutches of another ‘279 days without alcohol!’ post. Almost.”

Others were also deliriously joyful to celebrate a day that reminded them of the divinity associated with a glass of Smithwicks after doing one’s taxes.

“I was lost…truly lost”, said Mitch McSoberton, 38, “All these bad influences kept saying, ‘C’mon, Mitch, just ONE more meme about why all alcohol is poison. All the cool kids are doing it’. But St. Patrick looked into my soul and saw a functional boozebag in there just waiting to shine.”

At press time, the Irish diaspora the world over was holding religious services at the pub to commemorate the saint while everyone in Ireland just wanted to get the hell on with their regular Sunday errands.