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Terrible Person Has Deep Spiritual Awakening, Transforms Into Terrible Person Who Now Likes Crystals

SEDONA –

After an awakening brought on by listening to a spiritual podcast, local woman Michelle McAwfulson, 29, has undergone a profound journey into a new life of the same abjectly offensive behavior, albeit with new accessories.

“I heard them say I need to ‘do the work’, and was like, hell yeah, I’ll open a crystal shop”, said McAwfulson, gleefully papering over the traumas that have turned her into an unbearably caustic narcissist, “Enlightenment is better than sex.”

McAwfulson, leading a low-vibrational life of malicious gossip, destructive backstabbing and Michigan football fandom, believes this awakening will propel her into the state of being she’s always wanted.

“Listen, when this crystal shop manifests me my millions, I’ll remember all the people who tried to screw me over”, said McAwfulson, in a loving spirit of grace and magnanimity, “The sheep need my spiritual gifts now more than ever.”

At press time, McAwfulson agreed with Alan Watts that all of existence was a big game, one she intended to win by crushing the other players like bugs.

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