Universe Brought Up On Rico Charges For Conspiring In Favor Of Stacy’s Hair Salon

WANTAGH –

After a year-long investigation that included dark energy intimidation, quantum racketeering and wiping out competitors in floods, the Universe has been charged in a wide-sweeping Federal RICO dragnet.

“The evidence is clear, and we thank all the psychics, mediums and crystal people for their diligent work in uncovering this conspiracy”, said Federal prosecutor Tony McWoobaugh, 44, “Now, we leave this in the capable hands of our justice system.”

The co-defendant, Stacy De La Flake, 38, had openly declared, “The universe is conspiring to give me everything I want!” on several occasions, which alerted authorities to the possibility of foul play.

After a significant investigation, many other witnesses had come forward to corroborate the story.

“It’s true”, said De La Flake’s sister Nancy, “I mean, her husband gets a widowmaker coronary just in time for that insurance check to cover the storefront? C’mon. I knew she had one of the quantum field’s goons take him out.”

At press time, the Universe’s attorney had no comment regarding the case, only asserting that his client would be found not guilty on all charges when every witness disappeared into a black hole.