World Outraged As 28-year-old Dutch Woman Opts For Assisted Pesticide

AMSTERDAM –

After many years of trying to unsuccessfully cultivate a happy, organic garden, Dutch woman Elsje Van Spraay, 28, has made a decision that’s commanded headlines across the globe.

“I tried…I tried everything”, said Van Spraay, referencing the years of failed garden crops due to pest infestations and its resulting existential angst, “But once my tomatoes get a taste of Sevin, all will be well. They’ll be out of their flee Beatle misery once and for all.”

Critics, however, have been vocal about the ‘slippery slope’ they see resulting from this action.

“How dare she??”, said Quora user Maggie Preachington, 56, of Essex, “Oakworm infestation is a precious gift.”

At press time, the Dutch Association of Pesticide Practitioners had set an appointment to sterilize Van Spraay’s garden, promising the experience to be filled with light music, cheery service and high-end charcuterie.