Punxutawney Phil Sees Shadow, Freaks Out Because The Acid Hasn’t Worn Off Yet

PUNXUTAWNEY – 

The time-honored tradition in this small, Western Pennsyvania town that once rescued the careers of Bill Murray and Andi McDowell has seen another momentous turn this season, one that has its main character tied up in knots.

“WHOA!”, said local celebrity groundhog Punxutawney Phil, upon seeing his shadow under the heavy influence of a trip gone sideways, “I’m dead, aren’t I? When did I die? Who am I? What is this place??”

The cheering crowds, oblivious to the existential terror gripping their favorite rodent, was having the time of their lives during this ghastly unfolding.

“Well, just look at that little fella!”, said Margie McApplepie, 51, of Altoona, “By the way he’s shaking and peeing all over himself, that’s gotta mean we’ve got six more weeks of winter comin’! Bob, don’t put away the snow boots just yet!”

At press time, Punxutawney Phil was being slowly talked down by a trusted friend, the local town groundskeeper who himself was coming down from a DMT trip where he thought the Groundhog Day marching band were really machine elves trying to drag him into a bouncy house full of dragons.