Sacred Ayahuasca Shaman Actually Some Guy From Iowa Named Roy

CUSCO, PERU –

After cleaning out their savings to engage in a once-in-a-lifetime healing retreat in the Peruvian Andes, attendees were surprised to learn their Shaman was really just some run-of-the-mill Midwesterner from Cedar Rapids.

“You serious, man?”, angrily wondered Brett McToadvenom, 28, “I was expecting an old man with a leathery, weathered face who only spoke indigenous languages. Not some guy who’s a dead-ringer for my Uncle Jared.”

Other attendees were equally disturbed by this transparent bait-and-switch.

“No, sorry”, said Kaylee Di Trippino, 33, “You don’t get to hold my hand and reconnect me with my sacred plant roots while also discussing the Hawkeye’s troubles on the offensive line.”

Others, however, were relieved to see their Shaman appear in this form.

“Hey, beats the hell outta that Shaman from Tennessee last year”, said Mike Whoamanington, 32, “I couldn’t make out two words that guy said.”

At press time, Roy was excited to embrace the latest group of seekers to his retreat campgrounds in Cusco, with all being welcome in a spirit of love and oneness except Chicagoans.