Americans Prepare For End Times After Watching Detroit Lions Almost Make Super Bowl


After remaining unconvinced about the imminent apocalypse after recent plagues, wars and blood moons, the events of the fall of 2023 in Detroit have finally convinced them the end is nigh.

“Jared Goff out-dueling Patrick Mahomes in week 1??”, said Mike Fantasyton, 34, of Toledo, “Yeah. It’s time to get right with Jesus.”

Others, after witnessing the most improbable event of anyone’s lifetime, were equally convinced this was the clearest sign yet of an Armageddon to come.

“I remember in Sunday School, when they said a great evil shall descend from the North”, said Carla McPigskin, 42, of Lubbock, “I guess they meant the NFC North. Dang Lions knocked me out of my survivor league right outta the damn gate.”

At press time, churches the nation over were holding emergency services, imploring congregants to repent and beg forgiveness for drafting a kicker in the 5th round.

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