FDA Approves Use Of MDMA To Treat Severe Cases Of Not Scoring MDMA At Raves


After receiving data from phase three clinical trials that showed a “significant” reduction in the need to make out with couches at Electronica festivals, the FDA has approved the “gamechanging” substance for medicinal use.

“The double-blind results were remarkable”, said Yvette McAllthefeels, 45, spokesperson for the FDA, “Patients who’d previously depended on drifters named Aidan to secure their supply responded just as well to doses provided by that nice lady at Walgreens.”

Study participants were enthusiastic about having brought this decision to life.

“In the past, they’d give us medeival treatments like rum and cokes”, said Willow De La Highez, 20, “But now? Oh wow…I love your briefcase. So fuzzy and beautiful and magical.”

At press time, the suitcase had reportedly filed a comprehensive restraining order against De La Highez.

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