LAKE MEAD: I’m Living My Best Life Sober


After significantly cutting down on consuming rainfall, snow runoff and moisture of any kind, Lake Mead has boldly declared its water-free existence as the model for all other lakes.

“Lake Erie is a hot mess; they can barely go a day without drowning their sorrows in precip”, said Lake Mead, in a decidely non-judgy tone, “They need to lay off the sauce and dry out. We’re high on life out here in the desert.”

Other lakes, however, have not taken as kindly to the insistence that dry living is the only way for a lake to thrive.

“Listen, you wanna go dry, you do you, fam”, said Lake Huron, after a 48-hour snow bender, “But don’t sit on your high horse and tell me how to have a good time.”

At press time, Lake Mead was also starting to annoy the Hoover Dam after it insisted it start each morning tour with an hour of goat yoga.

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