Local Psychic 100% Confident In Predictions That Totally, Absolutely May Or May Not Come True


Conducting a session with a seeker who found her on Craigslist, local psychic Shannon McCrystalball, 32, first needed to get over the fact that Craigslist was still a thing.

“What is this, 2008?”, she asked, incredulously, “But anyway, my guides have been clear that 2025 is the year when humanity will connect with the Arcturians directly. In fact, I am completely certain that it will happen in 2025 or another year or it won’t happen at all.”

McCrystalball, claiming to channel messages from an unspecified “team” that may or may not be the 1992 Dallas Cowboys, was looking forward to helping her clients achieve more clarity in their own lives.

“Rhonda”, she said, erroneously speaking the name of a client named Rhoda, “The team is telling me that if you take out a loan for your new business, it’s guaranteed to succeed or fail. In fact, they’re showing me that there can be no other outcome.”

At press time, McCrystalball was named “Psychic of the year” by “Outrageously Overpriced Sedona Living”, a magazine that may or may not have been predicted by McCrystalball to sell lucrative ad space to a tarot reader who recently came into a windfall after her rich husband joined the Arcturians.

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